Here are 3 traits of world-class feedback:
1. It’s the ultimate tool for growth.
2. It helps you help others grow, which grows you even more.
3. It only works if it’s done right.
Now how do you do it right?
Let’s start with giving feedback.
I’m kinda hooked on this TV show, that’s essentially a cooking competition.
Not that I’m into cooking, but it’s curious to see how each player handles the psychology of having to perform at their best every single day of the week, for 18 weeks now.
There’s a pretty solid rival who closed his shop back in London to join the competition.
So he’s there to win, and takes every game extremely seriously.
In fact, almost all of the other contestants think he will be one of the finalists.
But there’s an issue with this guy, an issue that causes him to totally break character.
He can’t handle defeat whatsoever.
And last week…
Was one of the weeks he lost.
At the beginning of the week, he won the challenge to become the captain of his team.
But to everyone’s surprise, the team had a pretty tough week under his watch.
Despite having the numerical advantage, they barely won two games out of three, and the tension was pretty high the entire time.
After the game they lost, they proceeded to have a meeting backstage.
As the angry GOAT he is—meaning he’s completely closed to any sort of feedback at this point—this guy tried to bullsh*t his way around motivating the team and didn’t allow a single person to say anything that could actually improve the situation.
Everybody tried to tell him that he did this and that wrong, and would have been better if he reacted a certain way.
But despite knowing that he’s totally responsible as the captain, he kept blaming others and yelling to a point where he almost got physical with another contestant.
Meanwhile, notice this other guy who’s just sitting there and observing.
This dude is renowned for being calm and collected in general, and ‘always saying the right thing.’
But throughout this whole scene, he didn’t say a single word.
Towards the end of each episode, the losing team has a council and votes to choose a candidate to be eliminated from the contest.
This is where the silent dude started talking.
He did something no one else did, and gave a masterclass in delivering feedback that actually lands.
He said, and I quote:
“You’ve been making history since you came to MasterChef.
You’re breaking record after record, you had the chefs drop a spoon, and the talent you display in the immunity challenges is obvious.
This week, you’ve been the worst I’ve seen.
I know you’re so much better than this.
Please go home today, get yourself together and bring victory to this team tomorrow.”
End quote.
Guess what happened next.
The captain didn’t get defensive this time, and actually received the feedback.
He just listened, nodded and accepted that he had some room to improve.
Everyone was shocked, trying to understand why he didn’t backfire this time.
Even the other team speculated on why this dude was the only one who could get him to listen.
But the answer was as clear as day.
He was the only one who used the ‘feedback sandwich.’
This is a classic method to build trust and reduce defensiveness while giving feedback, also known as the sh*t sandwich.
We’ll get to why it’s a little controversial, but I assure you it’s the farthest thing from sh*t.
Here’s how to do it:
You start with something positive, a compliment of some sort.
Then you insert your constructive criticism.
This HAS TO BE about the actual behavior that they displayed, not their personality.
And then you end your feedback on another positive note.
That’s it!
Try it:
Let’s say one of your colleagues has been missing deadlines recently.
If you wanna make absolutely no contribution, just go ahead and say:
“You’re so f**king unreliable”.
But if you actually value them and want them to grow, you do the feedback sandwich and say something like:
"You’ve done an amazing job leading the team.
One area you could work on is managing deadlines more tightly.
But honestly, I know you’ll nail it because you’re already so organized."
It’s not so hard, is it?
Think of what would happen otherwise.
They spend days figuring out how to lead a team, and end up doing a decent job.
They already know that the whole thing isn't perfect, but they're excited to hear a little something positive, some appreciation for their efforts.
You open your mouth with a negative statement, and instantly kill their vibe.
They take it personal, and automatically raise their guards.
If all of their work goes unnoticed anyway, why would they even take your feedback and try to do it better next time?
The main argument against this—and why some people call it the sh*t sandwich—is that it sugarcoats the feedback, gives mixed signals and is a waste of time.
I guess the ones who argue that just go...
“You’re great.
You’re terrible.
But you’re great.”
Because I’ve seen it work dozens of times both in personal and professional context, and you’ve seen it for yourself in this example that I’m clearly NOT passionate about.
When you do the feedback sandwich right, people will likely ask you to elaborate.
As you elaborate, make sure you’re being direct and honest, but also empathetic and kind.
Focus on specifics like "When this happened, it caused that. Here’s what could work better next time", and frame your observations as a collaborative improvement rather than plain criticism.
Even better if you can offer solutions to the problems you’re pointing out.
And if you don’t wanna come off as a mother-in-law, ask for permission like "Is it okay if I share something that might help?"
This makes feedback feel less like an ambush and more like a conversation.
In fact, our dude did this too in a previous episode where he said “I expect the GOAT to be open to criticism” before sharing his take when the jury asked.
He didn’t say another word until he got the OK from him because he noticed that the GOAT was getting defensive to the others’ comments—again.
Thank you MasterChef for not sponsoring this video, by the way.
But it’s not enough to just rely on the feedback you occasionally get from here and there.
You need to EXTRACT feedback, and literally squeeze it out of people like a pro.
What the f**k do I mean?
See, the problem is, people don’t know what to say when you ask them for feedback.
They need a little direction to start.
They need a specific question.
And how you frame the question determines if you’re getting actually useful feedback, or just fluff.
Some companies implement peer review cycles to create a culture of feedback, though their effectiveness is debatable due to how general the questions are, and how little people care about those among the plethora of other items in their to-do list.
But in a 1-on-1 setting where you’re asking for feedback from an individual that genuinely cares about you, the responses you get will be quite different.
IF you know how to ask.
You’re looking for actionable insights, not approval.
And there’s no better way to find those than The Mom Test.
The Mom Test is originally a tool for startups to get real feedback from customers, and validate ideas without asking leading questions.
It’s based on the fact that if you passionately ask your mom about your exciting startup project, she’s not gonna tell you that it sucks.
This is not only true for your mom, but also applies to your friends, colleagues and so on.
But if you can get your mom to tell you how she truly feels about your idea, you’re collecting golden feedback from actual customers.
The Mom Test questions are designed for having the other person talk about their life experiences instead of your idea, getting information on specifics from the past rather than speculations about the future, and as you probably internalized if you’re a subscriber of this channel, talking less and listening more.
For example, if I ask if you liked this video, you’d probably be nice and go:
“Yeah, it was good.”
Or if I ask how you would improve the whole thing, you’d probably be paralyzed and wouldn’t even bother saying anything.
But if I ask more specific questions that you can reflect on, like:
“What about the first 10 seconds made you want to keep watching”, or
“Were there any parts that felt confusing or out of place?”, or
“How do you currently apply the learnings from this video in your life?”, you’d tend to give more thoughtful answers that would actually help me improve.
The idea is to detach your biases from the feedback and understand the actual jobs-to-be-done, so that you can work on those instead of chasing your own tail.
As the author says,
"You're not allowed to tell them what their problem is, and in return, they're not allowed to tell you what to build."
Anyway, you do all that and find your actionable insights.
But even if you collect all the feedback in the world, it’s useless if you don’t know what to do with it.
Here are 3 things to keep in mind in order to make world-class use of feedback:
1. It’s about your work, not your worth.
Not all feedback is delivered well, but it helps to assume positive intent.
Even if it hurts, a simple ‘Thank you for sharing this’ shows maturity on your end and pushes the other person to be more constructive.
2. Not all feedback is useful.
Ask yourself:
“What’s one thing I can take away from this?”, and discard the rest.
If something feels unclear, ask for specific examples.
If there’s a misunderstanding, address the communication gap.
3. Not all opinions matter.
Learn to recognize when feedback is more about the other person's bias than your work, and leave it at that.
There you have it.
Here’s a challenge for you—and me:
Do the sh*t sandwich to give me feedback on this video.
I read every single comment.
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